Is sexual excess, hungry ghosting and leaky energy just a part of the process on the way to sexual integrity?
Oct 02, 2024
Often in the sexuality scene, we talk about 'Leaky' sexual energy, which is generally another term for sexual incongruence.
A person might cognitively convince themselves they have control over their desire, that they are a good or safe person or that they're not interested in sex with someone, but they're either disconnected from or repressing the primal desire that is there, and it comes out in subtle (or not so subtle) ways that make people feel uncomfortable and untrustworthy. The words/thoughts and ego perception of the person doesn't match the reality of what their unconscious wants and thinks.
This can show up in very obvious ways with a predatory, grasping or 'taking energy' where someone's erotic energy overwhelms them and becomes very obvious, or it can be more subtle.
It can show up in the 'nice guy' who says he just wants to be friends with all these women when he actually wants more and gets resentful about it, leaving the women in his life feeling that there is something just untrustworthy about him.
It can also show up in the 'good spiritual practitioner' who has convinced themselves they're above their base desires, but then can't help but take advantage of a moment of touch or connection with someone attractive when they think no one will notice.
Or perhaps some text messages that come off as creepy because they're not being direct with their desire and making hints that leave people feeling repulsed.
It also often shows up as the 'hungry ghost' where they just can't get enough of a conversation, a hug, an interaction and try to keep grasping for more than wants to be given.
We also witness this with some women who play the sweet innocent one and go for a damsel in distress act when they really have a deep pulsing desire in them that they don't own, and they try to attract attention in more manipulative subtle ways while not 'acting like a slut' because they judge other women who own their sexual power.
We all have sexual impulses and desire, even A-sexual people though it's much more subtle, and the more we repress, judge or shame them, the more they come out in unhelpful or downright harmful ways. This is shadow work 101- That massive source of lifeforce energy will start to leak out and distort if we're not in right relationship with it, and it can be leaky at best and dangerously abusive at worst.
If we've repressed it for a while it's normal for us to struggle expressing it easily and authentically, feeling awkward, frozen, confused or embarrassed about it... this is why spaces dedicated to intimacy and exploration are so supportive and helpful for people on their journey.
When we create a space where there is explicit permission to flirt, speak desires and receive them, we start to move out of repression into expression and the trapped energy can be freed. We finally have welcomed this vital aspect of our humanity to consciousness and we have permission to be the sexual, erotic being that we are!
One of the issues is that this massive amount of energy that is unleashed can then turn into clinging, attachment and compulsion if we're not careful- sometimes it's unavoidable.
This is why people often get 'hooked' on sex-positive spaces when they first open up- it's like this huge wellspring of energy and opportunities has opened up and they can barely handle the energy and want to try and explore everything. And from the outside it's very easy to judge this behaviour (especially from others who are in the repression phase) but generally this energy will run it's course and come into balance naturally after some time if the person is doing other personal development practices and working with their energy body and psyche in other ways.
Eventually, a lot of the sex parties and spaces will even feel boring and they'll begin to crave deeper intimacy and subtlety rather than intensity and openness.
I also believe this is why so many people explore polyamory then go back to more monogamish ways of being later- their energy had it's peak for exploration and wants to be channelled more precisely now (though this can change over seasons and depending on many other factors in life!)
When we start coming into right relationship with our sexual energy, we can feel sexual desire as a form of sacred aliveness and enjoy any moment of it without attachment to any outcome or experience. So we may find someone attractive and allow ourselves to feel the aliveness that comes with appreciating a beautiful human, and perhaps even express that, without needing or expecting anything. From this place you can then freely flow between interactions, moving into connection when there is a mutual spark and moving out of connection when the moment has passed without any clinging or attachment.
Someone who has come into inner harmony with their sexual energy feels safe to be around, even if they flirt with you and you're not interested, because you can sense there is no expectation or grasping for you. They're just enjoying your beauty and sharing that authentically, and there are no expectations or hidden agendas there. They're totally able to hold the erotic tension and the charge of that energy without needing a single thing from you.
This is also why semen retention is a useful skill for men to learn- when you can build up a lot of erotic charge and not have to 'finish' or have an end goal, and you can channel that energy back into yourself to feel more vital, you're no longer needing or expecting anything from another person as you have self-mastery. Even if mid-way through sex the person changes their mind, you're easily able to stop without resentment or frustration. That allows the other person to feel safe to be honest with you and with their own boundaries, again making your more trustworthy and easeful to be with.
People who have worked with their sexuality and learned to harness this energy in a nourishing way have this passion, vitality and aliveness to them that invites a playfulness with life. This is missing in many spiritual practitioners who work with consciousness and energy but not their sexual aspects out of fear or judgement... they often lack the 'juiciness' of someone who has mastery over their sexual centers.
People are very quick to critique a lot of sex positive spaces because they encounter these leaky or grasping energies, and of course it can bring up some repulsion when it's directed at you or you're witnessing uncomfortable fumbling as people try to explore this aspect of their being after many years of distortion and repression. In our modern culture, I don't see there being many other ways to work around this. We have so much distorted conditioning and so many stories and hangups around our sexuality that it enevitably will be a challenge to shift that relationship and take lots of trial and error.
As a space holder, I have spent years witnessing the way this plays out and I definitely have approaches that minimise the dangers of this dynamic playing out, but also compassion for the process and the struggles of creating change, and patience as people try, fail and try again is helpful. Adding more shame to the pile doesn't really help.
Ideally, people would go much slower in their exploration and take the time to go to lighter workshops focusing on consent, boundaries, conscious touch and attunement before ever stepping foot in a more open sexual space. This makes it safer for everyone, and I personally feel 'gatekeeping' intenser spaces and requiring introductory workshops or other experience is vital for creating a safer field.
Many years ago I was the first in the Berlin scene (that I know of) who started running sensual-only (underpants on) play spaces after finding the full-permission spaces overwhelming and recognising my need for a softer space to get comfortable with these energies before going any further, and a lot of others found that valuable too. Now I see it's much more common for sacred sexuality spaces to be underpants-on as people recognise that diving head-first into playing with full force erotic energy is not actually best for people.
In the last 5 or so years since moving to running a week-long sensuality and intimacy retreat, I really discovered that slowing way down allows everyone to feel so much safer to go so much deeper.
We spend the first full day entirely on solo work, before moving gently to consent and boundaries before diving into other partnered practices because we discovered it's just so necessary to creating the kind of deep spaces that a lot of us truly crave.
When there is that safety and permission mixed with skill and awareness, then the powerful erotic energy can start to move and liberate with much more focus and in a way that benefits people so much more. Real intimacy and profound and healing experiences can occur when we don't just rush in to release the full force of this power too soon.
If you're wanting to explore as a participant then I invite you to check out The Sensual Arts Retreat... My retreat happening in December and February on Koh Phangan
Or online, learn how to access and embrace your sexual energy through Neo Tantric techniques with my course 'Deep Self Worship'
If you're running spaces as a facilitator, I have a "Foundations of Eros Facilitation" online course where I cover a lot of things I've learned from many years of holding these spaces, and soon I'm launching a course specifically for Temple spaces with some epic guest teachers!
Sensual Artistry is a space for exploring the realms of pleasure, intimacy and spirituality through the Tantric Arts.
Explore our workshops and events, take one of our online courses or get private coaching with Luna. There are lots of free resources, guides and inspiration for you to enjoy!
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