0:00:06 - Luna Agneya
Welcome to the Sensual Artistry podcast exploring erotic awakenings and liberated love. I'm your host, luna Agneya, Sensual Arts and Intimacy Facilitator, relationship Coach, tantrika and Artist with a Passion for the Path of Liberation Through Love. In this podcast, you will receive first-hand stories of sacred erotic awakenings, transformational experiences and love that goes beyond limits. This podcast is here to inspire, educate and awaken your own Sensual artists, because when you liberate your eros, you liberate your life.
0:00:53 - Luna Agneya
Welcome to this week's episode. I'm grateful to have Luci Lampe here to join me for a really interesting kind of different conversation as far as sacred sexuality and liberated love goes. Luci, would you like to introduce yourself a little bit first?
0:01:11 - Luci Lampe
I'm Rae Del Marri. I am Luci and I'm based out of San Diego area in California. I live here with my husband and our four kids. I am a sex relationship coach and I also work very deeply within the wild feminine embodiment space, all things related to sacred union and the sexual liberation, erotic liberation, healing journey. I'm excited to dive into this particular little niche of that conversation.
0:01:46 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, I found Luci on Instagram. A lot of us find each other. I was just kind of like vibing with so much that you were posting. Yeah, that's just one of those people where I just found myself I'll let you put that so well Really liking your content. Then, yeah, I saw at some point you were sharing a story about that with your long-term partner, your husband, that there was a period of time where there was some chronic illness and mental health struggles and stuff going on and that you were taking a caretaker role in the relationship. I'd really been wanting to have a podcast and talk a little bit about chronic illness and disability and caretaker dynamics and relationships, because it's something that's just like not talked about. It's one of the hardest things that you'll ever go through as a couple and it can really make or break a relationship. Yeah, I do want to just speak a little bit about what happened in your relationship or what that situation was.
0:02:50 - Luci Lampe
Yeah, oh my gosh. There's so much the condensed version of how all of this began. This was really the big catalyst into our spiritual journey and the hearing and going into our wounded inner child and all of that. It was when my husband started to have these pains in his body that weren't going away and he wasn't sure what it was. Nobody could figure it out, the doctors couldn't figure it out, the VA would send him all over to different specialists and nobody knew what it was. For about a period of two and a half years he got pretty disabled from doing day-to-day things and he couldn't change the diaper, he couldn't lean over, take things out, take the water, in just basic things. During that time we had just had our third child and I was pregnant with our fourth child. During that pregnancy I also began developing this autoimmune disorder and they thought it was pregnancy related. But then, when the baby was born, it was supposed to be resolved.
It got worse Then, being with that disorder in my body, taking care of a newborn, taking care of three other kids and also having a husband that was not only not the teammate, the partner that I had anticipated having, that I needed, but also needed to be taken care of. It was like an angry, angry child. We go from being very just down the dumps to just volatile and explosive. That was just when all of the things really came to a head. I could speak to so many different things like the very unhealthy patterns that we had had going on our entire marriage up until that point, but we didn't realize until they were amplified and then all the different ways that we began to unravel the trauma and pain and the fear that we had been operating from. Whichever specific questions you might have about that, yeah, thanks for sharing.
0:05:16 - Luna Agneya
I think I'll just quickly for the listeners because I don't talk about this much either with my journey, but just also contact, because I thought this would be an interesting conversation because I've been on the other side of being the partner with the intense chronic illness. It actually was basically the nail in the coffin of my last relationship. I had breast implants that then were triggering autoimmune disorders. Also, when I was a teenager I had Epstein virus and got chronic fatigue from that and dropped out of school. It kind of healed and got better and then after these implants I started getting sick. I was getting sicker and sicker and it ended up getting the point where I couldn't work and I was basically bedridden. I just went to Sweden with my partner and was staying at his father's house and I had no support networks. I was so sick and I was starting to go crazy.
Because when you get that sick and you end up like can't function, you can't even do the dishes, then you start going insane because you're like, oh my God, what's happening? Your body's a jellyfish and it's like a very traumatic experience. Then at the time my partner and I we didn't have many tools and support and he just kind of shut down and was just going into blinkers on. I'm just going to go to work and play computer games and take care of your stuff. Oh my God, yeah, all my abandonment, all my fears coming up. We didn't find a resolution in that relationship and it actually just kind of like those dimes from there and was basically the end of it and so much compassion for like his past and him having to take care of his mother when he was young and all these kind of trauma dynamic playing out, but it was like all that really sucked. But then in my current relationship then I was in a car crash and I got chronic illness stuff again from that. But then this time like he had a kind of modern piece and he'd been actually a caretaker for other people more and he was like so amazing and so supportive and actually like we managed to heal a lot of that dynamic through like consciously, intentionally going into, yeah, like recognizing the need for the carer and the caregiver role and like being aware of our traumas and our patterns and stuff like that.
So yeah, my side is then like the being the sick person and like the amount of shame and trauma and helplessness that comes with with being there. So yeah, I mean, it's such a big topic like we're saying is like well, I could go. So, yeah, I don't know. I guess, like when I'm trying to think of like what I wish I had heard when I was going through that struggles, like what actually kind of folks what's important to be aware of, like recognizing the shame and the struggle and the need for support, so yeah, I guess just kind of curious, like what, what helps when you were in that dynamic, like, yeah, what were maybe some of the things that were coming up that were the hottest to deal with? And then like how did you manage to like pull your way through them and maybe help for you?
0:08:28 - Luci Lampe
Yeah, oh, my goodness, yeah. So it's a multi-layered, right. It's a very it's a very intricately complex layered kind of situation. Right, you've got the physical aspects of it, the mental, the emotional, the spiritual, and so, from the purely physical standpoint, there was just the. You know, I'm okay, let me, how do I, how do I take on the responsibilities that you can't take on right now and now? Granted, you know, in those first few years it was with a lot of resentment, it was I experienced that as a burden, as a like. Well, it's not fair. I'm already the one who's working, I'm already trying to, you know, make the money, I'm trying to take care of the family and I want you to, you know, take this extra on. And so, of course, my body reacted the way that it did, because it was like no, we can't keep. The coping mechanisms that have worked for you in the past are not working anymore. So there was that physical part of it to where, literally in my, in my body, having the physical manifestation of my body saying no, something needs to change. And then there's the emotional. So this is what began to.
Really, I think that the, the, the fees clicking in the spiritual realm, came quite a bit later. If we could have seen through that lens at that time, it would have allowed us to have so much more grace and compassion and and faith and trust in the universe and the process and the whole thing. But that was also in the middle of deconstructing our faith. So you can add that to the pile of like. What is even God, what is love, what is like, what is real, what is what is faith, and it was just a hot mess. So there's that also. Now we've gone through tough seasons instead with body in, like, the physical, you know realm, but it it has never been the hell. That it was back then, because now there is a grounding in it under a faith and a trust that if something is happening, that there is a gift in that there's no coincidence. What are we being invited to surrender? What are we being invited to accept and or to let go of or to let in, and that it just every single time it moves us through that season with so much more grace and then ease and love.
But at that time what originally started to help set us free was going into the emotion, all of the repressed emotions for decades, all of the good girl and nice guy. You know, paradigm that we were living in just wasn't working anymore, and so one of the most initially powerful liberating things was just feeling our feelings, and that started with. It started consciously, I will say, because it always would happen eventually we would have these big fights once a year and everything would come out and then we would feel ashamed of ourselves. But the whole conscious, you know, emotional awareness started when I went to, I went to this event that I was, I was looking for more entrepreneurial networking.
You know I wanted to find more like minded people that kind of had a cool vibe and I ended up coming across this particular community. I went to a one day event and I experienced the, just, the power and the presence of someone in their integrity for the first time in my life and it just it blew me away. That depth of like, just not a power more than over like this power just emanating this love, this compassion, just emanating from this mentor. And so I, even though I didn't have the money, I didn't think I had time, I was responsible for our family of six and I and I was the main character of the kids, so I thought, how am I going to go to a four day event and like be gone 12 hours a day. How will the family, were you know, function without me?
But I took that leap of faith and it was in that experience that I I felt safe enough for the first time to go deep into my rage and began like Uncorking the grief inside that I hadn't processed from something that had happened a long, long time ago. And after that it was just a continual expansion. Now Ryan was very skeptical because he thought that he was like is this a cult? You know, what are you getting into? What are they telling you? Are they brainwashing you? And he thought that the high would wear off, but it only expanded. Like my, my whole being was in this, like I was determined to discover myself and and find peace In the middle of whatever we were experiencing in our marriage, because I just knew that I couldn't. I couldn't continue doing things the way that they were. And so within eight months, he got into the same inner work and since then it's just been an exponential journey of you know, getting into the stories and the trauma but also again integrating deep into the spiritual, spiritual essence of everything.
And so I mean there are specific tools if you, if you would, if that would serve you know, to share what kind of tools we use, at least initially.
0:14:20 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, yeah, like I think this I love that you were saying.
You know like the kind of leap of faith, of meaning the things I was talking to a friend about this the other day and I've had stations with other people, similar kind of really fucked situations, like a caretaker and the like dynamic, and they're so stressed like you need to like carve some time and go do some like self healing work and stuff.
Because, especially even if you're in the caretaker role, I'm like if you depleted and you were exhausted and you're holding all this resentment and all this trauma and you just kind of like keeping together like you're always dysregulated, yeah, like you're dysregulated, you're depleted, you're burning out like I know from my side of being the sick person as well and eating care like the person that you love, that you're guilty and you're already like ashamed that you're being taken care of and then you see them like slowly deteriorating and all their glow is disappearing and they're just like getting more and more resentful. Then it just makes you feel even worse. You're just like, oh my god, like now not only am I dying, but like this person is getting it and yeah, like I tried so many times to like tell people like you need to like go on a yoga retreat or like this breath work or something and like just one average yeah, being nourished, like let unity, yeah, and then you can kind of come back to that role. And so many people don't do it.
0:15:46 - Luci Lampe
They're like oh, I just can't, I don't have the time, and I'm like everyone can find this and even if it's in small chunks, even if you can't take four days or a whole day or a weekend, there are ways. Now that this is part of what I do now is to help people to have those moments, those sacred moments, and drop in it just every day you can. You don't have to leave for it, but there is something really powerful about being in an immersive environment where whatever is in your world that is, you know, killing you, slowly putting the bags down, putting the weight off your back and just kind of like popping away.
Yeah, yeah, but having that supporter, that sense of community, is so important and it wasn't until COVID happened right and everything shut down and events stopped happening that it I was shown. I was shown that there is a, there is such a power and a depth that can be accessed through the virtual connections when the other things are not available or accessible.
0:16:51 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, so, yeah, I mean I found, though I even just like being on the land and things like that I know for me, like when I was kind of working through the trauma from like the relationship and all the dynamics, not just like the trauma from being sick, but like, oh my God, like my whole relationship with my inner child stuff like, yeah, breast work, inner child healing, like especially my first breathwork section. Like, yeah, all this rage and grief and everything. I mean it was dark and psychedelic and I was just like whoa, how much am I being carrying on to? Like I just didn't even realize that there was just that much trouble going on. Yeah, I was like, well, so yeah, you said there was a few tools that you especially found helped, like what was good for you on the side of being the carer.
0:17:37 - Luci Lampe
Well, actually a lot of the same things for both of us on both, on both ends of that dynamic. For him and this might have some to do with this might not be for everyone or for every man or for every woman, but this is what we went through, ryan, for about for over a year, maybe almost a year and a half every single day you would go either into his closet or to the car, depending on what time it is, what time it was a day or out to the ocean or somewhere to do this releasing the rage ritual, and he would go through this process of whatever was triggering him at that time or something, even if it was like the lawnmower at the neighbor's yard went off early on a Saturday morning, you know, and just like releasing that, because there was so much in that kind of worms. You know that when he began to open, it was. It can be scary, and it was scary for me too. So I did this as well in my own practice, not every day, but every time that I would feel the trigger or something or something like sticking, I would do that process. And another thing that I got into before he did, you know, as a woman. This felt less weird but it still felt pretty weird. For me, very uncomfortable was just moving my body and using my voice. So all the typical we hear of somatic feeling that using the breast and the sound of the movement of the body to release any kind of pent up energy and trauma that our bodies holding on to.
There was a modality called t re, traumatic release exercise that I got into for a while and also just getting more into the erotic embodiment, essential embodiment, myself. Pleasure ritual was a really powerful place of healing. And dancing, dancing I started pole dancing and that was just very freeing in another way got me more into that flowing space. But of all the practices that were the really the most profoundly hearing for me in letting myself receive as the one who had been a caretaker not only to my children but also I had internalized this belief that a mother should be the one to take care of the children. So that wasn't new. I literally had that since the year one of our marriage when our first kid was born. She was born almost on our anniversary, our first anniversary.
But you know that unraveling of like I need to earn or deserve receiving and so of course I wouldn't receive from him, no matter how generous he was. He's always all about me, like, what can I do for Luci ? How can I please Luci ? But it was again before we could unravel all of the different intricacies of our traumas and things. It looked really nice on the surface, but again when this, when this disability, happened, it really amplified all the things that weren't working. And so when I started to do myself pleasure ritual and allow myself to receive from love itself, to receive from the universe, from source, from God, from goddess, that field so much and allowed me to actually receive from him, even when his capacity was limited. So when his capacity was limited, there's still love that wants to come through him. It's not all or nothing. When my capacity has been limited, there's still love that wants to come through me, and often it's that love coming through, flowing through that. It's healing for both of us, whether it physically.
0:21:28 - Luna Agneya
Yeah.
Yeah, I love to say that that was something with my, my partner, that was like a kind of reorientation when suddenly, you know, the fatigue was back and able to kind of do as much and like give to the relationship in the way that's like very physically obvious, like you know, yes, I think a massage or something like I wasn't able to give any, so it helped to kind of reorientate and be like okay, like, yeah, how am I receiving from Luna even if, like, it's not the usual kind of supportive relationship often to see that like, even though I was physically struggling and sometimes mentally struggling, like that there was still like a lot that he received from me a lot of inspiration, a lot of love, a lot of appreciation and gratitude, which was especially something I think the person receiving to continue to check into.
But you can easily get like fuck the world and every one, like it's very easy to get into that mentality like life sucks.
So it's like that kind of inner gratitude practice and to just be like okay, like you know it could be worse like this person is here, even if they are a little bit, like you know, rich and full and frustrated, and like they're up and can I be, you know, really like receiving and what can I back if, like it was, a cool body isn't able to do as much?
But then again, there was so much like communication around that as well, because it's obvious and like there's so much like subtle stuff also linked with like capitalism, and it's like you need to prove your what then you need to be giving and doing and wow, to like pick out there as well and what we expect of people in our relation, like, oh, a good partner is going to do this, and then you know when that person and then it's like, okay, can I still find the love there and still see that they're worthy of love and that they're special in giving, and there's still something like right about they're not able to like do the things that a partner usually does.
0:23:33 - Luci Lampe
Yeah, yeah, and this is I mean again, this is not even a one time thing, it's just can you go flow with the seasons of life and the seasons of the relationship, because it's not like we just make it to the end of something and then we're good. You know, life is just like it's going to give you opportunities to let go of more of those layers through our experiences. Like, whatever our experience is that's before us right now is the curriculum that the universe wants to learn from and and grow through. And the biggest thing that I keep coming back to is like what, how is this inviting me to embody more love? And sometimes it's a really hard, and earlier this year, when Ryan went through a 41 day waterfest where he only had water actually, the first three and a half days he didn't even have water I don't know this minute, like superhuman, I would not recommend this to anyone. But it was crazy and he just felt like like the divine told him, you know, invited him to do it, not told him like do this. But he said yes and so I honored that and I respect that so much, like he has this relationship that he trusts, and but it was hard.
It was hard because he didn't have the energy to give me what I was used to getting and even though there was this understanding of, okay, this is going to not this life going to be easy, this is going to purify us all. That my, oh my god. It's stripped away some painful layers of entitlement in me, and I mean so much. I could just do a whole conversation just on that. But it also it brought back these lingering feelings in my body of back being back in 2015 in that caretaker role, when he wasn't able to cut like walk very much, and he was just really weak and and he couldn't give me what I, what I need. You know, I and we again, the communication, just like you said, is so important to keep that communication open.
I was able to tell him like, and I feel like I'm so scared that we're not going to make it, we're not going to come out of this, or this is just going to be the new normal and it's going to be like it was back then and he looked at me with such certainty and he was like this is not. Nothing is ever going to be like it was. That do you know? You know the relationship that you have and the trust that you have and the feeling of safety like you're going to be, we're going to be okay and this is just as soon as, and sure enough. You know, we, we made it, we made it through. But whatever is present there feels so, so dense and so ever present that it can feel like this is all that there is.
0:26:29 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, yeah, and I think that's the important thing to recognize, like you know, because for me as well, like there is like genetic stuff and so I have flare ups, quite a bit like as they like really intense times. But like I still have issues and I still need like occasional care taking. When I flare ups and stuff and yeah, like the trauma comes in and like, oh my god, like I'm going to be stuck like that again and it's going to be like I was before. I like that's what trauma is. It's like thing that almost killed. You like now there's a warning sign that and you're like, oh my god, and back there, make it something that again.
Yeah, especially like if it is something that is like ongoing and you know chronic. You know it's it's really challenging. But, like I said, like you evolve and you kind of go through the fires together and you're reborn and there might be the same river. But every time of these three times that I've had like really severe issues, like I've evolved so much and I've got so much better at like being with what is. And then now you know like, yeah, my last relationship, I made like many mistakes there. Like we didn't get so caught, we didn't have any help. We just try to do it ourselves and just like seeing well through everything's okay, just go, go, go. Just survival.
Now, like you know, we need to like get therapy and that's really universal. Then, yeah, that's the sign that's like okay, like this is hard, but like we have way more like coping mechanisms, we have better communication. And now I know like, even if there is still like a little bit of primal fear, I know like never going to say because, like we thought we're totally different people because of like the situation like that made us so much more resilient and stronger, making it that. So I love that like yeah, even if the same level of illness came up, like you're totally different people and you're gonna be okay. So it's never what it was. That because, like, yeah, you're yeah, didn't get the knowledge and stuff and now have that.
0:28:28 - Luci Lampe
So I think, and just that trust, that level of just connection with the truth, with truth and with love, like that. There was a point last year actually I want to say, like maybe about a year and a half ago that not long after we moved into the town, you know, where Ryan had just a little axe, like he was. He was chopping some wood. His body had been great for a long time and he was just chopping somebody's and then something just like like tweak, gets back and those nerves they pinched again and he was bedridden for a couple weeks.
I did was his body was physically in worse and worse condition than it was that during that like whole season, but he handled it completely differently and I and so did that, so did I, like we're able to see, to be more patient with what is and to just accept, just be with the discomfort of what is, like I don't have to like it, but I'm gonna just, you know practice of just being with it, being with it when it feels ugly and messy and painful and uncomfortable, and that's how we released that resistance and really like I that. I think that's what took us so long to move through that season initially, because we were just so resistant. Yeah, I thought that if we surrendered, if we let go, if we tried to, we actually let go of control or trying to control that's all an illusion has that? That would that would mean that we're giving up, or that would make it officially last forever.
0:30:02 - Luna Agneya
But it wasn't until we did that that anything changed, that anything changed on the inside and then changed in form on the outside yeah, yeah, and I say like these kind of like really hard situations can be the biggest kind of situation, but alright, it's a little grace and I wouldn't have been a potential path and like going through that I was like there's no way out, but like full liberation, like they just suffered from a lot of being right. So being down to being just like jellyfish that can't even function, that I'm like not being left, but like complete Dedications. The path cuts like both other. I'm just going to end at big, just so.
And I think on the other side, be the supported part is active, like devotional, unconditional love, and Not and be like this person can't meet me what I want I get you know mother to well, like being there, taking stuff. It's not like can't give me what I want back, but I'm gonna support, love them anyway, since what I'm capable of doing and what I'm here to, I think that is such a profound, deep spiritual experience that a lot of spiritual people just have because they're just gonna In me mad and if you have the best boyfriend for me, that's gonna like take care of me, like yeah, I'm cleaning and I need to think about those like this and pal to death hot like the really Been a nitty gritty together, like and it did be fair.
0:31:46 - Luci Lampe
You know, some people would, not, everyone is going to be I Don't know that everyone is in this life, from this lifetime, to be that. Yeah, and you know, and I think that I mean that's maybe a lot out of the scope of this conversation, but just I knew that I, I was here for this Like I, I am being invited by love to go deeper and to work through all of my ego's things and like, look at the fear and Let go and surrender. And what is liberation? But complete surrender, because you don't have liberation without the surrender. The liberation is that let me go out and control my world. Now it's like I am living surrendered life, like what is is what comes, comes, what goes, goes, and having that kind of trust, that level of trust in the universe, and that is Then mirrored in the intimate relationship. So I trust him to be able to Hear from that source and he trusts me.
But even that took some time to really to really cultivate Because we you know we had been used to the manipulation and the I'm doing this for you so that you'll take care of me, you know kind of tit for tat, and that's not unconditional love. That's not love. Real love is unconditional. There is no. This is love and this is unconditional love. There is love period and people we've gotten it all twisted and thinking that love is like I'm gonna get all my needs met and I'm gonna fulfill all of your needs. I mean, it's just so Convoluted.
0:33:26 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, yeah. And I think like and this is the tricky part, because there are people that definitely have this like falling to Peace and like my firm partner, like he had always been, like had to take, like always had partners that needed care taking and were kind of like enough like Mendeculative dynamic and yeah. So it was really hard for him when, like then, he gets in this relationship, this power on Trisha teacher, and then, oh my god, now she too and now our and yeah, oh again. And it was like and he's like, no, I'm just starting to learn boundaries, and like I don't want to see that in a list. This is just like a pattern, it's a trauma pattern and I don't want to do it, and you know.
So there was like deep work that we had to do to be like okay, like Apparently, life just puts wind in a better position and I, where, how can we make to like a healing thing? And so we had to have a lot of conversations about boundaries to be like okay, like you are, you know you wanting to stick around, you're saying yes to the situation, and like I don't want you to be a depleted Mauder for me, but like there's some caretaker needed. So like, how do we Set some health boundaries? How do you practice your boundaries and saying like, okay, now I have the capacity to care for you and now I'm sorry, I know you kind of like need me right now, but you're not gonna die, so I'm gonna have to. Yeah, it's not urgent.
0:34:45 - Luci Lampe
You should have be okay, I need to go take care of my, and the same thing goes for actually taking care of children. You know, just because they're my children doesn't mean that I'm I'm always Capacity to do exactly what they want me to do. And so those boundaries are yeah, are absolutely now. It's more of like a Even. Even beyond the boundaries is like just that and an attunement To your capacity and each moment, because yesterday's capacity or this morning's capacity can be different than Then what's going on right now. And so there is an ongoing dialogue. It's an open-heartedness. So here's what I would do is I even more than what are my boundaries? It's like keeping the heart open to feeling what's really there and and then being willing to express that to each other, instead of feeling guilty that I can't do this for you, but I know you need me to.
0:35:39 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, and it was really like how challenging it was for him to like say no and say like, oh fuck, I can't right now and stuff. And yeah, you know I have to really like encourage him and really supportive and just be like no, like I want you to take care of yourself. And sometimes I had to be the one being like, okay, like I'm struggling, but like I need you to go take care of yourself because I don't like seeing you in this state and I can tell you to plead in, I can tell you need likes, you know, in time, and so I think there's yeah, I got to be aware of some of both sides, like when you're in that role and if someone does struggle with boundaries and going into Like this kind of codependent after where they just make their whole life about you, yeah, but you know that that can kind of be like that's not love either because that's actually won't.
0:36:24 - Luci Lampe
Yeah, actually like when you're in the life of yourself, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's driven in fear and self-abandonment and the fear of losing the other person or being rejected, and you can feel that. You can feel it when it's coming from a place of that or a place of that Grounded love, like, oh, I mean, nurse you, they got not. I don't, I don't trust you to Whatever know what you need, or or or get your needs met. But there is so much nuance in this that yes to your point like there has to be a deepening awareness of it, to put it most simply, where we are being motivated by love and where we're being driven by fear, and that's an ongoing awareness.
0:37:08 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, and I mean just being so like buting the alchemization of that like and it can be in a healthy balance of this, this care, and like I had a really bad flare up the other day.
We were in Paris and like walking around too much and it just like KO'd my body and then he was like kind of, yeah, give me a massage and care for me, and it was just like this, this well of love, that just like ripple from me and I was like crying like a little baby they held by him, but just really feeling like my God, the gift of having someone like that, and kind of feeling this like we have about harmony back in the universe, of like that, like the world needs people, like struggling with having kind of talent or whatever, but then, like we provide these very moderate, archaic people, then you take care of them and kind of like coming to balance, cause I'd always been like strongly dependent woman.
I take care of myself, even when I'm like dying and can barely function. But I'm just gonna like take some and fed me and get on with the day, or drink tend to call me as whatever. So like there was such a like deep healing and deep programming around, like allowing myself to be cared for and then like for him to like find this like unconditional love without expectations and but in healthy boundaries and stuff. So like it was amazing to see how, like, we've kind of managed to find a way. And I mean, it's not always gonna be this way. I'm sure we're gonna have like another season where it's gonna be really like shit, I don't know, I don't know.
0:38:48 - Luci Lampe
No, no, no, but you have to feel like shit, that's the thing. Like it can feel. You're like, oh, we've been this, we've been here before and we're gonna be okay, and even more like each time that it does come up it's okay. How, like, what are the ways that love wants to flow through that I just haven't been open to before, that I wasn't open to last time, and there's more of that. There's more of that. All we have to do is kind of like, open it up and let it in more.
Yeah, there is so much more, so many more ways that we can be the love, be the loving presence, regardless of what we can physically do. There were some moments when Ryan was the weakest at the end of that past and he just embodied so much love and I could feel, and my task was to just trust the process and surrender and let go of whatever timing. I thought things should get back to normal, whatever that would even look like after something like that. That was actually the hardest part was when he started eating again and we didn't know how long it would take for things to feel normal again.
0:40:01 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, and I think that's a powerful thing for the person also struggling with the health thing or the mental health thing or whatever as well, and where that spiritual experience comes of, where physical body is stable and capable and you can't do the thing it's like what is that self that is left, that is in soul, or what I've got still, and I've got still broken and still love and long and still have something to radiate and give, even when the physical body is completely incapacitated. And I didn't feel that first time.
0:40:43 - Luci Lampe
I was like I'm out, play video games all day because you can't do anything and just like I was gonna check out, oh, that's what he did during that season back in 2015. Was that the algae like made it through? I was playing video games, but it was also something like that and saved me.
0:40:57 - Luna Agneya
I was like, yeah, be around the world flying on it. Thank you for the fun.
0:41:01 - Luci Lampe
I'm like I'm gonna start doing both of that and then this reality. Now I'm thriving there, you know.
0:41:08 - Luna Agneya
Run around and ship there.
0:41:10 - Luci Lampe
Yeah, no, but there's nothing to be said to you about like communicating the desires, even when you know that, even when you can't have them right now. And so the most recent, again with his past, earlier this year, was when we were just. We were like I miss texts, I miss feeling your body, I miss like feeling your touch, like that, I miss feeling your desire, and we could just have these conversations and just sit in the longing of it together, without feeling like we need to fix something, without trying to fix it. But it's all just, it's all about letting your heart be singing, letting your heart be witnessed. And that was as hard as that was. You know, for those, what two months of delicacy within our marriage. As a sex coach, you know I'm like who am I, what am I doing? And it was so healing, it took us to another depth together and so, yeah, sitting in the discomfort. There's a lot to be said about that.
0:42:12 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, absolutely. But last, we are starting to get low on time. So yeah, I guess, like I mean for me, like when I look back to like the really bad times, you know, when you're like okay, what I wouldn't do again, or like what I learned not to do, I mean one of the main things for me was finding some support. Like I was lucky enough to have a part of my business for the last round where I actually could afford to have like a professional coach and get that level of support, which was like fucking amazing. But a lot of people, when they're struggling, are also struggling with money because you can't work and that's really shit.
Right, you know, it's kind of like, yeah, there are support groups out there, even if they're not like the spiritual cool woo, woo ones or whatever. There are like internet support groups and you can create a support group as well. You can be like, hey, internet, far like I'm looking for some people to hang it up and just like talk about yes and have some feedback and reflection and stuff. So I know that was like something that I was like, oh my God, if I could go back, I'd do that. Like, what are some of your favorite like suggestions or tools about things that have helped, and helped now, when these kind of situations come on.
0:43:27 - Luci Lampe
Well, definitely that as well, Having some kind of support. And even more, I think I would highlight the word nourishment, and where. What are the places that I can go to to be nourished? Because I had a never experienced that, really, because I wasn't open to receiving it and I didn't even realize it until I was. And B, because there is such a different experience of being nourished versus being just like care taken or taken care of, you know, because I can't take care of myself, and it's such a.
The words might not seem that different, but the experience feels very different and one is kind of like coming from pity.
This is what it feels like. One is from pity Well it's, you know, sorry for you and one is like just a lavishment of love, like you think of being in nature and you're just nourished by the presence of it, like that. And sometimes those places are, I don't know, a yoga studio. Sometimes it's something related to moving your body, sometimes it's just some place where you can go and talk and just let out all of the things that are building out. But having some kind of space like that, and then also I would say second, is creating a space for yourself consistently to just be present with whatever's there, whatever you're feeling, and let it be expressed through your body. Use music, use the oceanic instruments and whatever you know. There's so much available on the internet that you can just stream and feel into your body and let that you know. Let it let it for just a little bit more intentionally each day and receive the nourishment from your own body.
0:45:26 - Luna Agneya
Meow, yeah, beautiful, I think.
Yeah, also, what's coming up for me is like learning to communicate the sticky bits, like, because there is going to be like shame and resentment and all these like shitty pieces and the more that, yeah, we try to put on the good girl, good partner, lover thing and just like pretend like, oh, it's fine, I'll take care of you or I'll, I'm fine, you know.
Then it's just going to build up more and more until it explodes and you end up having like a really hot conversation.
So I like, yeah, having kind of conscious communication tools or ways to just say like you know, really like self responsible speaking of like this is just what's alive and I feel like you know they are, there's shame and there's grief and I'm struggling and the more that we can speak about that and especially, yeah, even the caretaker saying it and it's like you know, I love you and I support you, but like, yeah, this is, this is what's coming up for me, because, like they're going to sense it, like you're going to feel it and it's just going to be like this confusing, like okay, they're kind of like their actions are saying one thing, but their energy is saying another thing and inside and you're like, oh, you're getting paranoid when you're not having a clarity, so actually much prefer. So I want to say like, yeah, I'm feeling really like depleted and there's a bit of resentment, and then we can be like okay, we work this and that. Yeah.
0:46:45 - Luci Lampe
And so being honest, being a congruent with your energy and your words, and also when you are taking that space consistently to be with your shame and your rage and grief. I can't, I can't. I've lost count. I have no idea how many rage rituals I've done. Just in those moments are like I need to like let it out somewhere. I'm feeling so fucking just ah. Or just touching a deep grief and, instead of waiting, to like have the conversation and show him that sometimes it has. It has helped a lot, a lot of times to go into that space myself and then have used those tools for conversation.
0:47:22 - Luna Agneya
Yeah, like, let the energy express itself, like, let the like yeah, and then you could be like, so I've been feeling yes, rather than me like yeah, you know because then it comes out of the very directed at them kind of and we're just waiting.
0:47:37 - Luci Lampe
It's like bubbling where, it's like a dog and a leash, like waiting to.
0:47:41 - Luna Agneya
We didn't go, you know you know, hopefully some of you listeners can, yeah, just get a bit of inspiration, I like, as you were saying. I mean, if you're struggling with money and stuff, like yeah, there are things on YouTube like I've got some freebies, you've got like a lot of great, yeah, I'm just trying to get done off, yeah. So, yeah, there are ways. And if you are blessed enough to have the abundance, like for sure, try to get some professional support. It helps from people that have, you know, been there with this kind of stuff as well, because, yeah, unfortunately, there is a lot of ableism. A lot of people just can't understand what it's like to be in these positions until they've been there. So, yeah, just like good, even if it is friends or an internet group or something. Yes, don't do it along the way. Yeah, beautiful.
Well, yeah, I'm so grateful for you sharing your story and your wisdom that has alchemized through these challenging times and, yeah, I can really like see in your work what has come through that alchemization of like a much deeper, devotional and unconditional love, which is why I really resonated with you and I think that's, yeah, like a certain flavor of awakening that comes through these really challenging times. So I know, that's what like I feel into, of like the why. You know, if we need a reason to be like, why does all this terrible stuff in? It's like there is like a level of compassion and love and truth and wisdom that kind of comes through these fires that a lot of people just won't have access to when they're in totally privileged positions, and I really like feel that in you. So I'm grateful for you sharing that with the world and sharing it with us.
0:49:28 - Luci Lampe
I'm so happy that you guys are here. Thank you so much, Luna. I'm happy that we got to dive into this and thank you for inviting me here.
0:49:37 - Luna Agneya
No problem. So yeah, I'll put in the links how you can connect with Luci down below if you want to learn more. All that will be in the comments, as usual. Thanks all for chaining in and yeah, feel free as well If you want to. Maybe I'll start a thread in the Central Autism community just around this topic. If anyone else wants to discuss or has their own issues or questions or something, then we can be there to help.
0:50:13 - Luna Agneya
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I hope you've enjoyed it and found it inspiring. You can connect with me on Instagram, youtube, facebook and through my website, centralartistrycom and CentralArtsschool, where you can get some freebies and sign up to my mailing list to stay in touch. Hope to see you again soon.
0:50:41 - Luci Lampe
Bye you.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
