0:00:06 - Speaker 1
Welcome to the Sensual Artistry podcast exploring erratic awakenings and liberated love. I'm your host, luna Agnea, Sensual Arts and Intimacy Facilitator, relationship Coach, tantrika and Artist with a passion for the path of liberation through love. In this podcast, you will receive first-hand stories of sacred erratic awakenings, transformational experiences and love that goes beyond limits. This podcast is here to inspire, educate and awaken your own Sensual artists, because when you liberate your eros, you liberate your alive. Today's episode is an outtake from the Sex and Love Satsang, which is a new free monthly offering that I'm doing in the Sensual Artist community, which you can get access to through my website. It's a space where, each month, I start talking about some relating principles and approaches and then invite Q&A and discussion based around those or people's lives so you can bring your own relationship queries along for it. Enjoy this section of the replay. If you want to go on the site, you can find the replay. That will have also the Q&A and some guided meditation. So, yeah, unconditional love and devotion is a topic that has been really big for me the past years and the particular relationship that I'm in right now. Yeah, in a book I was just reading, when they were touching on devotion as well they were saying.
This actually is one of the more advanced parts of the spiritual path because it's when you get to a point where you're kind of tired of being so self-absorbed. We need to be self-absorbed for a while in our journey because there's this part of the healing process and same with ego development. As we're growing up and we're kind of developing an ego, then a lot of the time we kind of have our complexes and our unhealthy patterns and woundings and then ideally we start developing like a healthy ego and then we start deconstructing the ego. And there's quite a lot of work on our path where we're really focused on like, oh, my traumas and my patterns and my desires and my longings, and that's totally fine and natural. But when we're in a relationship from that point it gets really dramatic.
I think a lot of us kind of have experienced this where you're really focused on like all the things coming up for you and your woundings and your patterns and their woundings, their patterns and their clashing, and it can get pretty exhausting because it's just so much focus on each other. And then there's something that happens when you get to a phase where you're like okay, like yeah, there's still pieces, it's not like, oh, I'm 100% healed and now I don't need to focus on that anymore, but it's where you get kind of healed enough or you've done enough self-obsessing to be able to actually focus your attention beyond the relationship and to be able to be in service to something beyond your individual self and your needs and wants and desires. And, like, my experience in my current relationship is like just this sense that like, yeah, we've come together, like the universe has kind of put us together and there's this love and we support each other through our patterns. But there's also something more that we're devoted to, which is expressing love fully in this lifetime on this earth, to awakening and liberation. Like we're both kind of dedicated practitioners on the spiritual path that are really devoted to truth and to being with and loving reality, as it is not just our ego stories about it, and that we're willing to kind of go through the discomfort and the pain of our kind of separate human self in devotion and in service to something that is like, yeah, greater than just our individual. This is where we go for personal relating to trans personal relating, because we also start to see, when we do personal development work for a while, like, first, we take it all really personally. We're like, oh, this is my troll work because my parents did this and I'm the only person that suffers this way. And like, oh, you know, me, me, me, me.
Though, when you're doing this work, while you're like none of it's personal, there's all these archetypal patterns playing out through our wordings and our sufferings and it's like we all have some kind of core wound, whether it's unworthiness or abandonment, or being unwanted or like whatever kind of flavor of this, this core wound that, like, you're going to have one of those, we all have one of those. And and then there's these ways that we kind of come together in a relationship where, yeah, one of us is like maybe a little bit of a control freak and a little bit like two in the boxes, and then you're going to be attracted to someone that's very free, it's wild and chaotic, and, like these two people come together so that they can teach each other a lesson. And you might think that it's very personal, like, oh, it's so unique that we're struggling with this problem. But then, you know, start saying like, okay, this is actually a pattern that plays out in the hall that, like, a lot of people struggle with the same problem and especially for me working in this field where I'm coaching a lot of couples, I'm doing a lot of retreats and workshops, and so I'm hearing all the issues that are coming up and it's like, oh, like, oh, that pattern. I've seen that 20, 30 times. Oh, you're going through that dynamic. Yeah, I went through that one too and like it's.
I think it really helps when we stop taking it all so personally, especially in our relationships, because, like when you are being with your partner while they're struggling with their core wound and they're struggling with their trauma, like if you're taking it personally and you're really like personalizing all of this and you're seeing it from that frame, then it's like, ah, why are they still whinging about this? So why don't they have this word? Why don't they just get over it? And like you can kind of get annoyed by it and blame them or kind of shame them, and there can be this like really unhealthy way that we view our partner suffering.
But when we're able to see it more as this, like trans personal way that we all kind of have some flavor of trauma, wounding, whatever, then you're able to hold that not just for your partner but for the collective. So if your partner struggles with this unworthiness wound and they are in like deep suffering around it, when you're able to love and hold space for that and hold space for them, it's kind of not even just about them anymore. Like I know, when I'm with my partner while, like he's in his wounds, then I see that it's not really just about him. I'm also kind of holding space for everyone that feels unworthy, everyone that wasn't loved fully, everyone that struggles with this, because so many of us struggle with this. And no, it's the same.
When I'm having my woundings, I can take it so personally and be like, oh, what's wrong with me? I'm broken, I'm still having this stupid wound and this stupid reactions, and why am I so triggered by this? I shouldn't be triggered by this and stop like gaslighting myself and shaming myself for how I am, or I can just be like, okay, like this is the pattern that I've been given. I'm sure that this is my particular flavor of suffering that I get to experience in this lifetime and then, yeah, when my partner is loving me through that, they're also loving all of us through that and I think it's a really beautiful way to step out of it.
Yeah, some of the retreats I created this kind of communication practice where we explore this as well, where the practice if anyone wants to try it at home it can be a little bit like complex and meta. We call it like meta reflection. Yeah, someone's sharing something that they're really struggling with and going through and at first you reflect back to them like exactly what you're hearing them say, like okay, so I'm hearing that you're struggling with this body image thing and that you're feeling really self-conscious and that you've been trying all these diets and they're not working. And then you give another reflection. That's kind of taking it out of their personal thing and be like what is the pattern that I'm witnessing? And it's saying like, oh, I'm really witnessing that struggle that humans have to be able to feel like good and desired and the way that we've been conditioned to think that we are worthiness and our loveability is based on our appearance and there's something like it can eat the land or not. We're in someone else.
When you depersonalize it, like for some people that be like this isn't about everyone. This is my particular thing and I'm feeling really sad and moved in about it and like for some people, that might not be what they need to hear and it might not be good for them. For other people, it's like oh yeah, so just about me, I'm not the only one suffering with this. Like this is actually something greater. So, yeah, this is like me tying into unconditional love, because it's about loving the human experience as it expresses through your partner, like your partner in all their beauty and struggles, and everything is an expression of what it is to be human and what it is to be alive and to be a being incarnated.
In this crazy world, with all this like crazy stuff going on and the more that we like close off and be like okay, like they're going avoid it and they're not showing up the way I want them to and they're not meeting my needs. So I'm just gonna close my heart and pull back and be like you don't deserve my heart anymore. Like that's a conditional love expression where you're like, okay, like you are going into this wounding pattern or avoidance or whatever, and my love says that I'm going away. And, yeah, unconditional love says like, oh, must be really challenging to struggle with this avoidance pattern or to be unable to connect and unable to let this kind of love in, and I'm gonna keep loving you anyway and maybe then I go, you know, and maybe we're not meant to be in a relationship, but I'm gonna wish you well and love you anyway because I think you're a really cool person.
And yeah, the problem here is that a lot of people do have these falling matter complexes. They get tied into unconditional love where they think they're being unconditionally loving because they keep like giving and giving and showing up for someone and the person's giving them all these like red flags and signs that they're not able to meet them in this relationship. But there's like the subtle manipulative tendency to it where it's like if I just give and give and give, then I'm gonna make them fall in love with me and they're gonna give it back and they're gonna like meet my needs or something. And if I just show up and if I'm just like the best girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever that they've ever had, then they're gonna love me back and there's like this expectation attached to it. And that's when it starts getting unhealthy, because then you're not having boundaries around your time and energy, so you can love someone unconditionally and not relate with them unconditionally.
So there's a lot of situations in my life where I'm just like okay, I can see you doing your you thing, and then I'm gonna like so I'd love to you and I hope you heal that wound, but like I'm not going to put out, we're being treated like this and I'm gonna wish you well and have that love for you and maybe do some practice that I need to like clear resentment or whatever, and to be able to shine some love out to that person, even if they're really fucked me over, and it kind of especially if they're fucked you over, because I mean a lot of us, when we learn more about troll, we recognize, like if someone's doing something really shitty and really abusive, then a lot of the time they've been abused or they're just so close off from love, so shut off from their body, they maybe have a part of their brain not functioning so they don't experience empathy like, and that's a sad existence, they're not living and getting to experience a lot of love in the way that maybe you do with a more open heart. So you can really like send love and this is like Tomlin practices and stuff, like feeling the suffering and sending love but then still be like yeah, for my safety I'm not gonna be around you. I'm not gonna like keep being in a relationship with you and you've been doing all this shitty stuff. I'm not gonna keep like taking all this time out of my schedule to keep showing up for you in this relationship if you never show up for me because, like that, you know I have time capacities and I don't think how much I can show up in relationships.
So, like we don't wanna get like love and functional relationships confused which I think a lot of people do and then because, like, a boundary needs to get set or there's some reason why it's not appropriate to keep relating with this person, then we go like and my love is gone and I'm gonna close it off and I'm gonna pull it away. And you know, this isn't so bad if it is someone that's like acting abusively and it's like, okay, you close your heart. But what happens when it's your beloved, like the person you are in relationship with? And, yeah, maybe like they're needing to take more space than you want, or maybe they're like for a long time going through like a downward spiral or whatever, and you know you stop being like oh well, you're not showing up enough and you're not doing this and that. So I'm just gonna like withhold my love and withhold my gratitude or withhold appreciation and like hold back my love from you. And then you know, of course then that starts like creating even more of an issue because, like, if the person's going avoid it for whatever reason and then you start like kind of pulling away and shutting down, then you know it's probably just gonna like to roll them further away. Or someone's like acting really like obsessive or whatever. Then you know it can the more that you like recoil, the more they're gonna come like gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. So it has like an opposite effect.
So the practice then for us, if we are someone that's interested, as like a spiritual practice of working with unconditional love, is to try to keep our heart open for folks, while also having love for ourselves and respecting ourselves and honoring ourselves and being able to discern like what is the right way to relate to someone, even if I love them, even if I really wanna be with them, but maybe it's not loving to myself anymore for me to continue being in relationship with that person. And yeah, a little example I was riding down the other day from early in my relationship with Tris we were going through a phase where we weren't sure if we were going to kind of make it more casual and be lovers or if we were gonna dive deeper into our relationship and be more like partners. And yeah, it was a bit confusing because we weren't sure if I was gonna stay in Australia it was during the pandemic and we weren't sure if we were really in a match to keep going any further in the relationship. And I really wanted to stay in a relationship. I really was like yeah, this is someone I can be in a securely attached relationship with. We are building a secure base and my heart just loves this person. But he wasn't sure and it was fair enough because I had very flaky, hippy, traveling the world kind of vibe and that wasn't really what he was looking for and yeah.
So I noticed then, as he's kind of expressing to me, like, yeah, I think maybe we should just kind of go back to being lovers and be a bit more casual that like all the resentment and the closing came in and you're like, if you don't wanna choose me fully as your partner, then I'm just going to like hold back and protect myself because like you're gonna hurt me and you're already hurting me and you don't deserve my love anymore because you're not showing up in the way that I want you to be in relationship. I want you to choose me and you're not. So I'm gonna hold my heart back and like I just felt this like contraction coming in and it was just not feeling good because like there was a lot of love for this person. But I'm just feeling this like must protect, must close hot, must avoid getting hurt, even though it was causing me more hurt and pain to be doing that, because it doesn't feel good to close off from someone and go into this like protecting mechanism. And I was listening to a beautiful book by Jeff Foster he's an amazing spiritual teacher and it was just something he was saying around like unconditional love and this kind of topic, and I just really like very much felt that desire to be stingy and close off and like withhold and to be like yeah, if you don't act the way that I want you to, then you don't get my love. And seeing how that was kind of like this manipulative defense strategy and just really realizing like that's not how I want to be Earlier in the year like done a very powerful like death ritual meditation and really realized like if I were to die today, tomorrow, whatever, like what really mattered and what was really important and like what was missing from my life.
And it was really this deep impulse. Like I want to love fully and bravely. I want to be able to tell people I love, that I love them. I don't want to be shy about it, I want to be awkward. I want to be able to like radiate love onto people that are really fucking awesome and deserve it. And, like I want to show up in the world of love. I want to be a beacon of love. That's what's important. I don't want to be like this, like oh, I'm too cool for it kind of person. Like that's how I want to show up in the world. So it's like remembering that and getting a bit slapped in the face with my own pattern of like kind of this withholding manipulative energy of making someone have to work for it.
And, yeah, I just felt myself softening and my heart softening and then, yeah, so I was kind of processing that it's like you know what? Like Tristen's a really fucking amazing human and he's so worthy of love, like, whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not, like he's a very lovable being my heart just like wants to shower love in him. It always has just being around in my heart. So like, why would I suddenly like stop that? Why would he suddenly be not worthy of love just because he's not sure if we're really compatible and I'm the right person for him? So, you know, I ended up then sharing that with him and being like, look like, you know, even if you decide you never want to see me again, no matter what happens like oh, I just had so much love for you and I just want to keep sending you that love because, like, you're really fucking amazing human. It's real honor to get to like relate with you at all for however long that is, and that's just how it is.
And yeah, of course, then that like created actually a deep shift in our relationship. It was like there was some like contraction and some kind of like blockage going on around this. Like, oh, are you going to meet my needs? Are you going to be the secure partner that I want? Are you going to be the person, whatever? And there was just something in that that just like, oh, like we could just breathe and yeah, and then after that he was like wow, like I've never felt that kind of type of unconditional love before, and then, you know, it just ended up making us get into a relationship. So, not to use that as a way to try to get someone into a relationship with you, because he has to be like a genuine thing coming and can't just be like, oh, I'm going to love you anyway, even though you don't really mean it. You got to find that place like within.
Then, yeah, it was just a beautiful example of that, and there's just been a lot of other moments in our relationship from both of us where we've just been able to show up, like, even when the other person's not acting the way we want them to, or showering us with love or affection or whatever like we want them to, and to just be like no, like this is a being that is so worthy of love and I'm going to show them that love and that, yeah, it comes in with that devotion, because that devotion for me is like I want to radiate love. I want the world to be full of more love. There's a lot of really awesome people out there that are so worthy of love and I want to give them that. I want them to know that they're amazing. And I don't want to be stingy with my love. I don't want to be afraid to share my love with people. So like there's a commitment of wanting to show up like that and that really influences relationships and friendships and my work and a lot of other things.
And it also yeah, it comes with this like self trust. I think it was part of the key here, because I had to trust that, like in that example, that I'd be okay even if Tris left. Like there's still love in my heart. I can still love other people. Like maybe I'm not going to find such an epic relationship again, but like I can still. I'll be fine, I can come back to loving myself and whatever.
And yeah, there's just like a level of like knowing that you know, even if this person doesn't meet my needs or this situation isn't meeting my needs or whatever, like I can find a way to meet my needs.
I'm resourceful. I've bounced back from really messy, shitty situations before I've come back from the Brick of Death and lived another day. So like knowing that you can have yourself is also really important for that, which is why you know it is a more advanced stage on the path to be able to embody this. Because if you don't know that you really have yourself and that you can bounce back, if your heart gets wounded I don't want to say broken, because it's never really broken, but your heart gets wounded then you know you can recover and come back and keep loving and keep your heart open. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I hope you've enjoyed it and found it inspiring. You can connect with me on Instagram, youtube, facebook and through my website, sensualartistry.com and sensualarts.school, where you can get some freebies and sign up to my mailing list to stay in touch. Hope to see you again soon.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
