Today I want to speak to desire and the energy of desire, because this is a topic that is one of people's greatest struggles and is one of the struggles of the spiritual path, and a lot of spiritual traditions really shame desire or see it as being like the source of all suffering, of the source of all evil, or see desire as being something that is more of a destructive energy or low vibrational energy. It's reading a book, and quite a good book, but then they had this like hierarchy of emotions and desire was really low on the list and they were saying, oh yeah, desire results and all this attachment and clinging and craving and you know it can have that effect. But then desires also the reason anything exists. And I find it interesting the discussions of this when it comes to spirituality, because without desire none of us would do anything on our spiritual path, like the desire to become enlightened or become free as a desire. Without that energy of desire then there would be no reason to do spiritual practice or to do really anything. So I feel that it is often just like push aside and just seeing us, this problematic energy, when really none of us would exist without desire.
Obviously, just for reproductive purposes. There has to be a desire for sex and for connection and ideally a desire for children in the first place, then make someone want to give birth and to go on that journey. But even just every little thing, like this laptop that I have speaking to you through, like there had to be a desire for a way to communicate and then there had to be some people that desired to like find a way to create this technology, and desire is the reason for everything existing. So that's why, in the tantric pot, desire is seen as like a very powerful energy and personified by a deity which is Lili Tadevi, and it is, yeah, seen as something that in its shadow, could be destructive, but in its light is like the power that drives the entire universe. It's the source of basically everything, which is why she is one of the like kind of more powerful deities.
So a lot of people struggle with desire because it's linked to attachment and because of their inability to hold the charge of desire, and also because of conditioning. So there's a lot of reasons why desire acts out in its shadow and causes problems, but then in its light, desire is such a beautiful thing, like people love feeling. Desire desires what creates beautiful experiences and beautiful intimacy and also keeps us fascinated with people, like if you were in a relationship with someone and the desire totally disappeared which does happen and suddenly, yeah, there's no desire anymore, there's no growth, there's no evolution and things stagnate and often that's when the relationship starts dying because there's no more desire. And when there is a lot of desire in a relationship that's channeled in a really healthy, beautiful, nourishing way, then that's what results in kind of growth and new experiences and evolving together. So when a relationship has healthy levels of desire and integrated desire, then it can be a really beautiful thing. Because you keep wanting to get to know your partner more, you want to go deeper with them. You have this desire to like go to the core of your love and your passion and your pleasure to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes and like how much pleasure you can experience together, how much connection, how much beauty and bliss, and all these kind of things really keep us engaged and keep us moving towards evolution.
Well, when desires stagnates in a relationship, there's usually the sense of like oh, I already know everything there is to know about you, I've already done everything there is to do with you. Like why are we still even interacting? Why are we still even here? And that's when, often as well, desires starts moving in other directions, which is a natural, healthy thing as well. That's not necessarily wrong, because sometimes there is just a ending, a natural finishing with any connection with someone that you've grown and evolved together, and then just suddenly, desire starts to fade, there's a no real impulse that wants to continue with this particular person, this particular relationship, and then maybe desire starts calling in another direction and this can often get shamed, but it's just a natural process as well. Like we're not always meant to spend our lives with this single person or continue with a single person. So there's, yeah, just this curiosity when desire does start to fade in a relationship. As to the deep inquiry we all have to go through around, like is this because it's the end of this relationship and we're meant to move on, or is this because maybe there's something else? Like that is an internal shift that needs to happen of you know, maybe I've created a lot of stories that, like, I already know this person and this is just how it is and nothing's going to change, and I've already you know, as I said, I've already done everything that there is to do with them, and maybe then you can have it in a shift where you realize that that's actually not true and maybe a new gateway opens, like a lot of people when they come to Tantra or sacred sexuality, that's. That's part of that gateway.
It's like, okay, we've kind of stagnated in the current form of our relationship, but I feel like there's more. So they kind of like start looking and peeking behind the curtain. They're like, oh, I think there's actually this whole other world that I can explore with someone. And then suddenly desire starts to come back and then you're actually like, oh, wow, there's energy play and there's a product healing massage, and there's all these different things that we can do with each other. And actually we have this beautiful foundation of knowing each other for a long time. So then this feels really beautiful to continue and then the desire comes back into the relationship and things start to evolve again.
So desire is really key for evolution, and when desire fades, then stagnation happens and things can start to fall away. And of course, then there's desire when it's very impulsive, compulsive and overwhelming. So some people they have just so much desire and they don't know how to hold it and this can show up in like porn addiction and cheating and kind of this hungry ghost we call it, where people are just like always looking for something more and they can't be satisfied where they are. And this is the kind of desire that is, yeah, the source of suffering, because you're not able to just enjoy being where you are and embracing what's here with you and there's this like always need for something else. So this is where, like working with the energy of desire can, yeah, be a bit of a challenge and why some people prefer to just like go the monastic lifestyle, just renounce desire and just put it completely to the side, because it's this kind of like very potent energy and it's almost easier to just ignore it completely. But also we see that suppression and repression of desire and impulses like this can then come out in really explosive or toxic ways. So some people can think that that's a good idea and then actually that's what ends up in some really horrible like abuse experiences and stuff like that. People are like holding this powerful energy down and trying to just like ignore it and then it comes out in really shadowy ways. So like that, the denying desire could work for some people, but for others it's just a bypass and actually they really need to work with that energy.
So what happens when we're in this, like constant clinging, craving for more, is that we're not able to just be with desire and just kind of welcome it and sit with it and not need to act on it. And this, yes, is problematic because desires are always going to come. But this need to just do something about it and act on it is because we can't be with the charge that comes with desire. So that's why in the beginning meditation, if you're here we just did a little bit of practice around the somatic experience of desire and just that willingness to sit with it and be with it. Because if we're able to feel like you're at a restaurant or something and there's someone that you find really sexually attractive, like if you start, like you know, looking and getting distracted and your heart rate's racing and you're just like, oh my god, I don't know what to do. There's like this desire and then you can kind of go into this anxious panic and it draws you out of presence and it draws you out of connection, especially if you're with someone like your partner, as if you're getting drawn away by this desire, then obviously that's going to have negative consequences.
So our ability to be like, oh wow, beautiful human, oh wow, that person's very attractive and I feel really alive in my body, and then like I don't need to do anything with that person. I can just feel, oh wow, aliveness, desire, beauty, how beautiful. And like, let that feel me and feel alive. And then come back to presence, come back to my experience in my body and come back into connection. If there is another person there, and yeah, to just like, let it be there, not need to act on it or do anything, but to let it be a type of fuel so that can be a really powerful practice.
And that same practice applies for people that repress their desire. So this was a big one. For me was that like I would see someone attractive and I would kind of freeze and shut down and I would just like oh my god, I don't know what to do. And in my coaching this is one of the main things as well. When you ask someone like, what do you want, what do you desire, and some people just freeze and they have no idea and they just like I don't know, I don't know what I want, I don't know what I desire, I just I can't even think of it. And then mine just goes blank, because they've had whatever kind of upbringing or experience, usually a lot of the time with disappointment around having a desire and then having it be shut down or shamed. It can actually create this like panic, freeze response around, even having desire.
So then that's also the practice is to like, feel that little bit of desire and then the pot of your system that just wants to shut it down and just like, okay, put that in a box now, push it away, don't have desire, desires dangerous and bad, and instead to just like, how can I just breathe and feel the desire and feel the wanting and let it be safe. So a lot of this, yeah, then ties in with dervish system regulation and creating safety in your system of just letting your body know it's safe to feel desire, that you can feel those sensations of that experience and that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. So you know, that's where, like intentionally, like relaxing the shoulders and the jaw, noticing if there's like a contraction in your body that comes up and you soften your belly, can you deepen your breath and can you come back to presence in your body when you're feeling this charge. And the more we're able to hold that experience of feeling desire and the more we're able to just, yeah, stay present in our experience, stay connected to ourselves and then also have better discernment around. Is this a desire that wants to be after daughter? Is this a desire that just wants to be felt? So when we've kind of digested the experience we felt it would be in with, it was like let the aliveness go.
And then when you really are attuned to your body and in connection with your body and you're not moving out of reactivity and just like this responsive nature, then you're able to really feel and like oh, there is this hole there and maybe you know there's like a person you feel desire for or a situation you feel desire for, and you just feel this intuitive pull that's saying go there, say hi, and and then we need to just take away whatever story we have around, what it's meant to be Like, oh, I find that person attracted, they're full, we're going to have sex or have babies or whatever. Like, just pull that story apart, be like there's desire and there's attraction and maybe something wants to merge and maybe they're your next business partner or friend, or I don't know, they give you a tip for a really cool restaurant that becomes your favorite, or I don't know what. Anything can happen. And when we just take away the assumption, like a lot of us assume if we feel desire or like I like just call it a charge like you feel a charge or someone, there's something there that like wants to be moved towards. When you feel a charge, then some people think, oh, that must mean I want to sleep with them. Or, you know, there's an activation in my system and there's something pulling me to them. So therefore it needs to be XYZ, especially if you do find them physically attractive. But if we like just kind of try to pick a pop of thoughts and the, the stories and the assumptions and things and just be with this like desire and this charge and this attraction, then all all kinds of different things might actually be what's alive in that interaction. So it can be good to just get curious around that and try to just separate the thoughts that come up around desire and the actual experience guiding you there.
So, yeah, a beautiful example of like following desire in a way that felt really nourishing was recently in Europe. I've been hearing a lot about the Canary Islands and I was just like, oh yeah, maybe, maybe there's something there, and it was just like this desire and this pull and this draw, and I found myself kind of like looking up pictures and kind of googling about it and and I decided like actually I really want to follow my passion and follow my heart and I'm feeling a pull here. So I'm just going to like follow that, that desire and that pull. I don't know why. It just really makes sense that there's something there. And then it ended up this space where we're going to be running the three month residency popped up and like all these beautiful linements, and it was just really following this intuitive desire pull and suddenly it started revealing over time like, oh, there's a reason why I was feeling pulled to this space, because there's something that wants to happen in collaborations that want to happen. So desire is really linked to deep intuition as well. So I think when we deny desire, we're denying our intuition as well.
And another thing I want to speak of in desire is when it comes to sex and intimacy and connection. Obviously this is a subject with desire that no-transcript. A lot of us don't speak our dislires in the bedroom or speak to what we really want, or we try to speak what we want and the other person gets offended and takes it orally and feels self-conscious in the fact that you're desiring something that maybe they haven't given you yet. So this is one of the things I work so much with couples on, because it's like such a big topic, like people get really self-conscious and shut down and there's a lot of stories and a lot of conditioning around our sexuality and our desires and other times, people they're like so I want this, I want this, I want this that they're in control and they don't know how to just let go and surrender. So this is again like the two different sides of desires.
There'll be people that either kind of go into freeze around it, don't speak what they want, they're just like okay, I'm just going to keep having the sex that I don't like, or this intimacy that I'm not really into because I just don't want to speak to what I want. I'm afraid that if I speak it I'm going to offend them. I'm afraid that it's going to be awkward, like whatever reason. All those people that are just like this I want this, I want this, I want this, this, this, this has to be like that and then they don't really enjoy it, even though they're in control of the situation. They're saying all the things they want, they're not surrendering into the experience and they're not able to just be with like what's happening and enjoy it, because they're always thinking about like, oh, it could be more, it could be different, it could be something other.
So you know, if there's there's this dance that happens, and often in relationship there'll be like one of each, one person that's really like the other person, that's super avoided and so that person will kind of dominate the other. It can also happen that you have two people that don't really know what they want and then there's like this kind of like both people are a bit more submissive and both people are kind of not speaking their desires and there isn't that drive and that push of desire that helps create beautiful experiences. So then it kind of gets a bit like watery and when you have two dominant personalities, that they just end up challenging each other all the time. So there's, yeah, just finding a way to kind of come out of the, the polarity of that, and into this dance that we can play with our desire, where we're able to share it and speak it, and to also then like riff off each other. So I like my partner Tris at our retreats, let's teach him comedy improv.
One of the favorite things is the yes, and and there's a practice that we've been doing, that I've been guiding some couples in as well with where you're asking for what you want and then the other person asked for what they want on top of it. And it's this yes and kind of energy where you're both co-creating with your desires. For example, one person would be like, yeah, what I really want is to have a primal play fight. And the other person's like, okay, primal play fight. Well, what I would want is that we do a really slow motion and like really from, like deep in the belly. And then the other person's like, oh, yeah, and what I want then is like my hair pulled and you know, and it kind of bounces off each other. And then, like, when we have two desire energies that are flowing, that aren't dominating each other or controlling the situation, but are just like inspiring one another, then there can be so much juiciness that comes out of it, because both people are getting to put into the pot of the experience, like what it is that they want, and they're both yes and in each other. So this creates a really beautiful experience when both people are active participants in creating the scene that's happening. But also it can be beautiful, like, if people know, the Wheel of Consent.
We talk about taking and allowing, so when allowing is done in the clear way, it's a really beautiful surrender, where the other person's desire is leading the interaction and the other person is going into a surrender state where they're just kind of allowing and accepting what's happening and finding pleasure in that. So it's actually quite a practice to be able to be with whatever is happening and find the pleasure there and, of course, still keep your boundaries and say no if it's too much, or to be able to go into a surrendered state but be able to still take care of your boundaries. It's a key that anyone going into any kind of like submissive play needs to learn. You can't just go into this kind of dissociated allowing where you're letting things happen that you don't like, because then that makes you lose trust with your body and with yourself and your partner will start feeling that something's not quite right. The interaction will get really murky.
So there's an allowing where you're finding pleasure in whatever is happening, you're enjoying whatever is happening as much as you can, you're enjoying the pleasure that your partner is having and then doing what they want to you and you're relaxing and surrendering, but you're still making sure like, okay, like if it's too much, then I'm going to speak it. If I need to change positions, I'm going to speak it. So you're enjoying what's there to enjoy and then when something needs to be changed, you're making sure that you communicate it. And that's what creates trust between you to be able to go deep into these kind of scenes. So, yeah, it's really beautiful to also have that dynamic where there's one desire that's really needing to charge and the other person's going into a really beautiful surrendered, allowing, and is flowing with the desire of the other person. So these are the two kind of ways that desire plays out in a really healthy pattern in relationship that can really create these beautiful erotic experiences.
But if, yeah, one person's just like dominating the other and the other person's shutting down and not speaking what they want and they're just kind of like taking it and not enjoying it, then that's going to be problematic. If someone's trying to surrender but they're trying to top from the bottom and they're just like micromanaging the entire scene because they can't just relax and open to whatever's happening, and that's also not going to feel very good. And, yeah, if neither person is speaking what they want and stuff's just happening and neither of you are really that into it, then that's also not going to feel very great. So this is where having a little conversation beforehand or creating these intentional containers to say like, yeah, we both going to be creating this and we both going to be putting our desires in the pot and playing around with this like yes and flow, or is one person leading the charge and they're really continuously tuning in moment by moment, like what do I want? What do I want to happen next? What do I want to do to play with you? What feels good for me? And they're really going into like acknowledging their desire and acting on it and the other persons there to receive that and to enjoy their desire being acted upon, but, yeah, having their boundaries in the same way. So, yeah, it's good to play around with both. And if you're doing the one-sided desire, it's really good to swap.
Because if someone is always in the allowing, submissive, receptive mode and they're never speaking their desires and they're actually not fully developing their capacity to have the kind of experiences that they want I know I used to like really just lean to that side and never speak what I wanted. It's really like I'd get anxious around what I wanted or how to speak it or something, and it was easy to just go into roles where I was just staying in submissive and just avoid it completely. But that was a part of me that was underdeveloped and a part that was avoidant and a part that really needed a safe space to come out, where it was safe for me to start to explore and figure out, like, what do I actually want when I'm in that role? And, yeah, like, if I really give myself permission to have desire and to feel it and to want it and to explore what it's like to be in a more dominant role than what comes out. So there needed to be a lot of like, safety and patience and a space for experimentation with that, because it was so like shut down and repressed that it felt like I didn't even have that within me, but everyone has that within them. So it's good to give ourselves opportunities to just try it out and take things slow if it's a really challenging thing.
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I hope you've enjoyed it and found it inspiring. You can connect with me on Instagram, youtube, facebook and through my website, centralartistrycom and centralartsschool, where you can get some freebies and sign up to my mailing list to stay in touch. Hope to see you again soon.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
