0:00:06 - Speaker 1
Welcome to the Sensual Artistry podcast exploring erratic awakenings and liberated love. I'm your host, luna Agneya, Sensual Arts and Intimacy Facilitator, relationship Coach, tantrika and Artist with a passion for the path of liberation through love. In this podcast, you will receive first-hand stories of sacred erratic awakenings, transformational experiences and love that goes beyond limits. This podcast is here to inspire, educate and awaken your own Sensual artists, because when you liberate your eros, you liberate your life. Today's episode is an outtake from the Sex and Love Set Sound, which is a new free monthly offering that I'm doing in the Sensual artist community, which you can get access to through my website. It's a space where, each month, I start talking about some relating principles and approaches and then invite Q&A and discussion based around those or people's lives, so you can bring your relationship queries along for it. Enjoy this section of the replay. If you want to go on the site, you can find the replay. That will have also the Q&A and some guided meditation. Welcome to anyone watching the recording and those are the podcasts, who will only hear the next bit.
Today, the topic that I wanted to speak to is about stories and the way that our stories about life, about ourselves, about people, affect our relationships and our sexuality and basically our entire lives. She felt super alive, like with all the things happening in the world at the moment. It was just really interesting to see how a lot of things when it comes to even massive global things like war all come down to the stories that we're believing about people. Religion is entirely based off a story that's retold and believed and passed down. Our stories can have small effects on our lives or they can have massive effects on our lives. When I'm talking about stories, I'm talking about things like there's no good men out there or it's just no way that I could do that thing. I'm just not that person. You never show love to me these classic ones that can come up in arguments and relationship. There can be stories about ourselves like I'm just such a messy person, I'm never going to get my shit together. That can be a story that we can carry around.
When we believe our stories, then we basically make them true a lot of the time. A lot of us will create stories based off real life situations and events. The real common one is there's just no good men out there. All the good ones are taken, or something. I hear women say this all the time in the dating world. Obviously, this comes from a place. Maybe they've been really trying dating and they're just not having any luck or not attracting the right partners and maybe they've had some unlucky relationships and things like that. They gather evidence based off that and create a story. If you really question that story, then of course you'll see that it's not actually true that you ask any person. Can you give me an example of maybe three men in your life that are really great guys and maybe are not sexually or romantically attracted to them, but that they exist and that they're out there? Then, of course, you would be able to find equal amounts of evidence for that.
If we tell ourselves a story over and over again there's no good men out there, I've tried everything, there's just nothing that can be done. We keep telling ourselves that story. Then we're going to keep finding evidence to prove that it's true, because the funny thing about the ego is that it would rather be right than be happy. My teacher always says this and when you really get it, then you're like wow, this is quite intense the meaning of it that we would rather validate to ourselves that we're right and prove to ourselves that our stories about the world are true than to actually be happy, of course, until you've done the work to pull apart your stories and live in alignment with truth which is the whole point of personal development and spiritual work essentially is to start questioning a lot of these things and questioning our stories and finding out what's actually true. But yeah, it's really interesting as well if we hold a story about someone else.
Like I might have a friend and I'm like, oh, they're really selfish or selfish person, and I just have this story that they're selfish maybe because they did something selfish once, or maybe that they just have certain behaviors that they're not proof of, or there's a bit of a shadow of projection, maybe because, like, they're really self confident and they have really good boundaries and I don't. And then I project on them like, oh, they're really selfish, because maybe they're actually embodying something that I want to be, that I haven't quite frost yet and and I'm getting triggered by them, but maybe it is something true. You know this person selfish and then if I'm holding that energy and that belief around them, they're going to be picking up on this judgmental energy and that something's not right and then maybe then, when they're interacting with me, they're feeling kind of like contracted, they're feeling judged. They're like, okay, like something doesn't feel right here. And then when I asked them to help me out with something, they're like, yeah, no, I'm kind of busy right now or I've got my own thing. And then I'm there like, oh, evidence, they're selfish, but really like there's a funny thing happening where my story that I'm holding onto about them is causing this kind of like tension and this resistance in this person that actually then creates the behaviors that prove my story right. And this, yeah, just plays out in so many ways in relationship.
And you know, I still see, like, after years of doing inquiry work and trying to pull apart stories, like a lot of their really big ones are quite clear and like, okay, that's clearly a story, but it will still be really subtle, like there'll be this really subtle kind of story that's not really formed in words but it's just kind of underlying. I mean, so you have to really like get extra fluthy with a magnifying glass sometimes to be like okay, like there's clearly some tension or clearly something going on. Like what is the story? That maybe isn't in my total conscious mind, maybe I'm not telling myself and speaking it out loud, but there's something under the surface that I'm holding around this story. So, yeah, we got to constantly be kind of checking in around. Is it really true?
And the thing about reality is that things can be simultaneously true and not true at the same time. Life is just a paradox, like that. So you know, you can have a story and there can be an element of truth in it. So there can be something like that you are picking up on an actual pattern or behavior or something that has an element of truth in it. But when we're doing inquiry, we're trying to see like, could the opposite be just as true as the thing that I'm believing?
So if I have a story about my partner that's saying like oh yeah, like he's always saying he's going to do these things and then he doesn't do them, and like you know, this is always a thing going on, and then maybe I kind of blow it up and like you're always saying, are you never like when? Once you saw saying like always or never, then you know you're in a story. It's like you're always saying you're going to do this thing and then you jump to it you never do it. So you always hear a couple saying this kind of stuff Because yeah, maybe there's been five or six times that that has happened. But then the inquiry process is to then sit with that be like, okay, like there is a pattern showing up that is saying, like they've said they were going to do something and they didn't do it, and now I'm feeling a contraction or some resistance or some struggles around it. It's not feeling good and I could go to my partner and, yeah, start yelling at them, or I could go back into myself and say like, okay, could the opposite be true, that they do the things that they say that they're going to do? And then I want to look for examples that that's true. So it's like, okay, well, they said they did that and they did it. And then you usually find that it's probably like 95% of the time they do the thing that they say they're going to do and it's actually only 5%.
And we have a negative bias in our brains which is an unfortunate thing about being human but was essential to our survival that we're going to always like focus more on the negative, because that's the thing that could potentially harm you or kill you. So our survival brain is kind of made to focus on the negative. We can train ourselves to focus a bit more on the positive, and then you can also turn things around to yourself and say, like okay, when do I say I'm going to do things? And then I don't do that, because usually if we're getting triggered by an action in another person, it's because, like, there's an element of that within us that we have rejected or denied within ourselves. So, always, checking in on this, like, okay, do they do the opposite? And then do I do the thing that I'm judging them for. And usually when we do this reflection, then we can start to see, like, okay, like the charge starts to drop. Okay, I was really focused on this negative thing. Now I'm able to see that. Okay, maybe it's not always true and maybe I also do that thing, so I'm not going to be as attacking and defensive about it. So I can start to see that. And, yeah, then we can start to like allow stories to dissolve a little bit.
So if you've done Byron Katie's at work, then you're probably familiar with, like this turnaround process that I just mentioned. There's lots of other ways of doing inquiry too. I find I like to have meta turnarounds. I call them where, instead of doing a direct turnaround from he never does the things he says he's going to do to he does do the things he says he's going to do, I try to kind of pull out even further and look at it from a more Versailles view you could say Consciousness-ized view and to see like, okay, you know, we humans in general are going to have the desire to do stuff, and sometimes we're gonna have the capacity for it and sometimes we're not. So that's just the way that humans are and the way it is to be a human that we're gonna like want to do a whole bunch of stuff. We're gonna like really have this intention to do these things, and some of them are gonna get done in some art, and that's just the way that life is. So once I see from that perspective, then I also drop the charge and drop the frustration. So it's the same.
Then, if it's dating and you're telling yourself a story that like, oh, yeah, it's hopeless, I'm too old, no one's ever gonna date me, there's no good people out there, all the good ones are taken Like all these kinds of stories that we can start to develop based on some evidence in our lives that maybe sometimes that has been true. Then we can start to notice like, yeah, what happens when I believe that story? Like I know, when I think about something like that, like, oh, there's no good people out there and it's hopeless, then I kind of shrink and I contract and I feel like heavy and war. But when I treat it into like, yeah, there's a big world and there's plenty of fish out in the sea and there's lots of amazing humans out there, and like into this space of openness and possibility, then I feel more open and relaxed in my body, which feels for me good and better and also a little bit more true where it's like, okay, like I've been having some bad luck in dating, but I'm open to the possibility and I trust that there are a lot of beautiful humans out there. And then I'm going to try to look for evidence that that is true and start to focus my attention more on that, like noticing like, oh, that was a really lovely person. Oh, my friend just met this really amazing human and now they're dating. And like, wow, there are really cool people out there.
So we start to pull out of our story and look more openly and positively and to also look for evidence in our life to show that the opposite can be true. And yeah, this is super important in long term relationships, because this is where we get a lot of stories about our partners and this causes a lot of conflict, because if we're around someone all the time, then we're gathering all this evidence, because the brain is always kind of analyzing like, okay, what are the patterns, what's happening, how is this person behaved? Well, it's like a normal response that they have to certain things. So we're going to create stories. That's just what the brain does. But the issue is when we believe our stories and we hold that energy that the story is true and then we start to change our behavior to people around it. So One of my favorite things in conscious communication is just to own the story.
So instead of just saying, like you never do this and you never do that and you don't love me and you said this and that and blah, is to just be like hey, like there's a story running in my mind that like you don't actually really find me attractive anymore and I know it might not be true, but based on the kind of stuff that's going on our lives and the fact that we haven't been intimate in a few months, like that's what's going on in my mind, that I wanted to check in, like you know, is that true or maybe I'm looking for a bit of validation or something. So this ownership over the story and this recognition that it is a story and you don't know if it's true or not, and maybe there's an element of truth in it, maybe it's all true, maybe it's not true at all, but like owning the story and owning that this is coming from your mind, based on your past and your history, not just with this partner but with your parents and past lovers and all kinds of things, like all this accumulated evidence and experiences and all this kind of stuff that comes into the present moment, into the present situation and changes your lens. And people tend to be a lot more open and responsive to hearing you say that you have a story running, that this thing is happening, rather than you just like going at them like it's true. So I think you can, you know, imagine for yourself in a conversation with a partner if they're coming at you like do you guys find me attractive anymore? You're always looking at other people, like I don't even know why we're together anymore and like they're speaking these things that are going on for them as if it's just fact and as if it's true.
And then, yeah, you're going to get defensive, like no, I don't like. What did he say? Of course I find you attractive. Like, what the fuck's wrong with you? You're going crazy. Why are you being so irrational? And then, yeah, because you're just like, oh, I'm being attacked and that's not my story and that's not true for me. You're just throwing this story on me and I don't like it. So, yeah, then someone coming to you and saying that, yeah, I have this story, this is what's going on for me. I'm feeling self conscious, I kind of want some validation. And you're like, oh honey, like, of course I find you attractive. Sorry, I've been so busy and distracted and you know I don't want you to think that I feel that way about you. Of course I feel different. Like that's going to have much better outcome than the person that's kind of attacking with the story.
So that's why it's really important that we're aware of the way that the mind creates stories and the effect that that has. And, yeah, just this way, like I just find it so interesting. I've been really observing this in my own life the last year or so. Just the way that that subtle energy of like, if you hold a story about someone and you have this kind of like judgment of them, that you've told yourself that they are this way and you're holding that, then the way that that actually creates the exact thing that you know, that that creates the situation and the thing to give you more evidence that it's true. And I find it just so fascinating I've noticed it myself like when I am feeling judge, when I feel like someone saying, like you know, they're holding this energy of like, oh, you're to this or to that or to whatever, and then, like, I just feel that coming out even more. So that's why it's so important to like, talk about it and to check our projections. This is especially big for anyone as a spaceholder.
Why it's taught like inquiry process is a taught a lot if you are like a coach or facilitator or something, because, like, when you're holding a story about one of your students or one of your patients or something like that, then it can be really kind of psychologically damaging to them because they're coming to you for help and support and they're in your space and they're looking up to you. And then you have this kind of like you know you're a bit and when you're holding that contracted, judgmental, pushing away energy about someone, that it can make them feel extra hurt because they've come to you for support and they look up to you. So I find it's like really needed for me. When I notice that I'm getting a story about one of my participants or anyone that I'm working with and I noticed that I've like created a bit of the story about them, then I have to really go do this work and look at it and look at is it really true? And can I start to pick apart the story and this thought and be open to more possibility? And of course, we want to keep our discernment because a lot of the time our stories come as a Bible protective mechanism of saying like yeah, this person has displayed behavior that is like red flags, potentially harmful or abusive or dangerous. So then we'll create a story that like unsafe person and that's not saying like, oh, that's not true and you need to dissolve it, you shouldn't be judgmental or something, because obviously we need to keep safe. So sometimes the story that we have about someone can be helpful to know how to navigate with them and how to say like, yeah, you know, this person doesn't appear to be a safe person. I should probably not, you know, bite them over to my house or bring them here, my children, or something like that. But yeah, we can still see like, okay, it's a story and I'm open to seeing other evidence and looking for evidence that it's not true. So I try to do that with people that I do see as unsafe or potentially dangerous. It's to be like, okay, I'm aware of this, I'm going to be discerning and careful and not just negate that story but then also be open and willing to see evidence that it's not true and that people can change and they can grow and that, you know, we all can sometimes do things that are a bit dangerous or abusive, like if we're really overwhelmed or we're in a trauma response or something. So, you know, trying to just stay open-minded and hot it to the fact that maybe it's not true at all. So, yeah, I mentioned the work by Byron Katie, which is a very famous inquiry process.
Something I like to do I call embodied inquiry, which we can just go over a little bit and you can even do it now, if you feel like it with me as I explain it. I like bringing the body in because we start to see the way our thoughts actually change our physical body. If I'm believing a thought that's more negative or protective, then I often will feel a kind of contraction. Then, when I'm feeling something that feels a lot more loving or compassionate or kind, then I often feel a softening and an opening in my body. I like to really play with accentuating these and moving between two sides. We can do one for a story that we might have about ourselves.
I'm a bit of a chaotic, messy person. I've accepted this about myself. But sometimes I can get really overwhelmed by that and then I could do it myself, just organized. And then maybe when I feel into that maybe it's an inner critic kind of voice or something that I tell myself about myself that kind of makes me shrink Then I just want to feel like, oh, what happens in my body when I'm believing that thought Like, well, yeah, you're so chaotic and messy, people get so annoyed by you because of it, and then I want to accentuate that and really go into it. So really let my body go whatever position. Maybe it curls up, maybe it's more open or maybe it's protective or something. So I'm feeling what's true for your body, what your body wants to do when it believes that thought.
Letting yourself go into that and take a few breaths and just see what kind of thoughts and feelings come up, when you really let yourself lean into that, and then you're going to feel into what either the opposite or a meta truth that I spoke about before, this kind of bird's eye view of it, might be. So the opposite would be I really need entity, which isn't true. Sometimes I could be, but it doesn't feel true. So I wouldn't want to just go into something that's not true. Sometimes I can go into something that's like yeah, I'm always getting better at expanding my capacity to be able to have a more neat and tidy home. Maybe just something like that feels like oh, it feels true, it's a little bit edgy or something, but I feel a difference in my body. When I think of that, then I'm going to feel into what that wants to do to my body when I feel into the opposite form, and then I'm going to let myself accentuate that even more. So if there is this kind of opening or whatever, then maybe I want to really open my arms out wide, take a few deep breaths and really feel this, that's it, hallelujah.
And then you can go back and forth a few times and you want to go really slowly and also feel this whole process in between, because sometimes some really interesting things happen in between. So then, going from the expanded back into the contraction, back into all in the scene chaotic and hell and just notice that drooping inwards a contraction, maybe you feel like armoring in your body, where you feel this kind of hotening and this barrier, feeling that and then again slowly unfolding and opening again. You can also be something on the opposite, like I'm not defined by the state of my things. Maybe that just feels like, oh yeah, the wordliness is not defined by how tiey or messy I am. Maybe I just feel like, oh, that feels like a relief, it's fine, everything's fine. So going between this expansion and contraction can be a really interesting process.
And then we kind of find like what's the middle point where I can just be centered in myself and know that like, okay, that can be true, that can be true, all can be true, and you know it doesn't really matter anyway, and it's come into just a sense of like being centered in yourself and feeling. There's all these different parts of you. You're a multifaceted creature that's changing all the time and you might have particular patterns that show up. Some of them are enjoyable, some of them are probably frustrating, and that's just the way that we are. So just being able to feel both sides and, yeah, so that's something you can do yourself, which I really recommend, before going into a conversation where maybe you're addressing something that has a charge for you.
If you have this story and you have this tension, you have a judgment about the person, you're really feeling that then you know you're doing a little few minute process like that or some journaling around, is it true? What's the opposite, that kind of thing beforehand can really discharge the energy, so that when you kind of come to the conversation, then you can feel a little bit more open and the other person's going to feel more open too, because you're not holding onto this like all, like descending contracted energy which, yeah, doesn't feel good to receive. So, yeah, just finally around stories. Yeah, we've, you know it's so common in dating, it's so common in relationships and it's common in our sexuality as well, that we have a story. The story can even be something that seems kind of positive, like, oh yeah, like you know, I might have a story that like, oh yeah, it's such a kinky, sub freak, you know, and that's like, oh yeah, I love the kinky, I love the submissive, whatever.
But if you hold this story too much and you create ego identity around it really strongly, then what happens when suddenly you are in this spontaneous romantic encounter and maybe it calls for some of your dominant energy, or maybe one day you're just not feeling very kinky. But you know, now you've like created a story, you put pressure on yourself and it doesn't feel true anymore and it can feel really disorientating. So I had this kind of happen where I'd, you know, worked with kink for so many years and it was a big part of my identity and I was having a lot of pain after this car crash and I just did not really actually want kink. I was like I've been in enough pain. I've been in pain all the time. I actually just want some softness right now.
But it was hard because I kind of had this story about myself being this kinky person, that kink was a big part of my identity and a big part of my work and it was like I was kind of like trying to force myself into it and it was like putting this weird pressure and putting pressure on my partner, even though, like, neither of us are really that inward at that point in time. And it was just so interesting that like this story is because it had been true in the past and you know it is still true now, but like, at that point in time it just wasn't really true. But I had told that story so many times that it had really impacting my present moment experience with bisexuality. So we can just be aware as well of that that our stories can really creep into our sex life and take us out of the present moment. Like this is always the thing with a story it takes us out of what's true and what's here in this very moment and this interaction. And it tries to like put a solid defining line around, like a person or a situation, when everything's constantly changing and fluctuating. And, yeah, there might be like specific patterns that show up over time, but just knowing like yeah, people always are changing and situations are always changing, like even just within the amount of this talk, like I've changed emotional state like multiple times, like you know, you're just constantly evolving and changing. So when we stick to our stories, then we actually stop our evolution and our growth, because we're trying to define ourselves or define other people, define situations based on what they've been in the past. So we're not leaving this breathing room for the present moment and for what wants to change your evolve now.
And yeah, this poses a lot of issues internally in relationship and in the world. When people believe certain stories about you, know, certain races, and they believe like, oh, like I'm entitled to this and this is just the way things are, this is just how things go, then that's how we end up with massive messes like global wars, because people there's a whole bunch of people believing a story, and then it seems like it starts to then have a real life effect because people believing the stories are taking real life action around these stories that they're believing, but they actually are just stories. You know, if anyone read Sapiens, they talk about how, like, all companies are just a story and money is just a story and like, so many things that we think are real are actually just a story that we all collectively believe and participate in together. So you know, you start pulling apart stories in your personal life and in your internal world and then you start seeing the way that, like, oh my God, so much of modern society is just a story that people are believing that's not even really actually true or real. So, yeah, it can get pretty meta when you're on this journey In the Tundra Path. We call this like the vikulpa as a stories and like vikulpa chai is like the process of dissolving stories and it's a big part of the spiritual awakening journey to start seeing through the illusions of this.
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I hope you've enjoyed it and found it inspiring. You can connect with me on Instagram, youtube, facebook and through my website, centralartistrycom and centralartsschool, where you can get some freebies and sign up to my mailing list to stay in touch. Hope to see you again soon.
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